The Daily Satirist

Rep. Ro Khanna announced that 'the progressive movement is on the ascendancy' following a primary night in which progressive candidates won several races and ex-aides won primaries to replace retiring Democratic House members.

The ascendancy was confirmed by a separate outlet asking 'Who's Winning the Fight for the Democratic Party's Future?,' a question that has now been definitively answered every Wednesday morning for nine consecutive years.

A spokesman said the party's direction was now firmly set, adding that it would be re-set Thursday, re-confirmed before the midterms, and resolved permanently at a date to be announced after the next permanent resolution.

Senator Bill Cassidy received an Iran briefing at the White House after clashing with President Trump, officials said, in what the administration described as a standard sequence of events.

The Guardian reported the dispute included a shouting match amid a standoff over a housing bill and the war powers vote, an account the White House did not dispute so much as schedule a follow-up for.

Under the apparent protocol, a senator who raises his voice is invited to the White House, seated, and informed of classified material until the disagreement is no longer audible. A spokesman described the briefing as 'comprehensive' and the senator as 'considerably quieter afterward.'

The administration's supplemental request was reported at $87.6 billion by most outlets covering the proposal, which centered on Iran war costs.

One conservative outlet placed the Pentagon portion of the request at $67 billion, a figure $20 billion smaller and described by a spokesman as 'the same number, rounded down for clarity.'

Officials said the $20 billion discrepancy was 'within the margin of error for a war,' and confirmed the final amount would be determined once someone located the original spreadsheet.

President Trump opened the Great American State Fair on Tuesday and, according to multiple accounts, stuck to the script throughout his speech.

The development was treated as significant. One outlet led not with the flyovers, not with the 250th anniversary, but with the fact that the prepared remarks were delivered as prepared, in the intended sequence, without deviation.

A spokesman called the address 'a triumph of staying on topic.' Pressed on what the script had said, he conceded he had not been listening to the words, only confirming they appeared on the teleprompter in the correct order. Aides said they would attempt the feat again at the fair's closing ceremony.

Following a federal judge's order that the Kennedy Center explain its decision to cover signage where Trump's name was removed, the institution responded with a procedural filing arguing the matter is moot because, technically, no one can currently see the sign.

The filing introduced a novel legal doctrine its attorneys termed 'the obscurity standard,' under which any object hidden from view is held to have resolved its own controversy. 'The sign cannot be in dispute,' the brief read, 'as the sign cannot currently be located.'

A spokesman said the institution had reviewed all applicable precedent and found that 'no court has ever ruled on the contents of a tarp.' He confirmed the Kennedy Center was prepared to take the question all the way to the Supreme Court, provided the tarp remained up throughout the proceedings to preserve, in his words, 'the integrity of the ambiguity.'